Guide to Becoming A Savvy Negotiator....

Let's get this straight--I am by no means an "intelligent negotiator." However, I am definitely not a moron. Some people apparently seem to think a negotiation is about offering a deal and walking if you don't accept said deal. So let me break it down for the less savvy negotiator, Dr. Juris style:

1) Don't be a moron. This means when you walk into the negotiation, come in prepared. Don't shoot me a load of bullshit. I went to law school too, you know, and I can recognize a liar a mile away. And trust me, I don't appreciate you pissing on my foot and telling me it's raining.

2) Don't misrepresent material facts. This may seem like a no-brainer--if you lie, you are committing FRAUD. You are also being a humongous asshole. You'd be surprised at how few people think twice about misrepresenting something that has significant bearing upon the case or issue at hand. Be that person that considers their words carefully.

3) Don't speak just to hear yourself talk. You may think you are being nice. You may think you are engaging in idle chitchat. You are probably doing one of several bad things (1) confusing me; (2) laying all your cards on the table; (3) annoying me; (4) wasting time, both yours and mine; (5) giving me valuable information to use against you later in the negotiation. And when I use said information, please do not act like you didn't say this. Because I will use that against you too.

4) The best deal for your client doesn't necessarily have to be the worst deal for opposing counsel. This is self-explanatory. You should not go into the meeting with the intention of screwing the other person over. You should go into the meeting with the intention of getting the best possible deal for your client. Sometimes this means the opposing counsel gets screwed. Other times, it doesn't.

5) Don't play hardball--it is called a negotiation for a reason. Because your first offer should not be your last offer. And if you try to play that game, I'll kick your Boulware-loving ass out of my office so fast that your head will spin.

6) Be prepared to make an offer. A real offer. This isn't an "aspirational" offer. This isn't the offer that your opposing counsel would accept if he were being held at gun point. This is a feasible offer based on a principled rationale and backed up with logic. As an aside: please don't let the opposing side make all the offers and try to show you rational bases while you stick with playing the hardball I warned you about in #5. This isn't to say you can't start with a ridiculous number, but be prepared to come back down to planet Earth.

7) Arrange your interests in order, from most important to least important. Sure, everything is important, but some things are MORE important. You have to be willing to make concessions on the little things to get the big enchilada. Don't be prepared to walk away form the table for a small detail, either. That's stupid, frustrates the other side, and gives you a bad reputation.

8) Consult with your client. As per the rules of Professional Responsibility, you should relay the deal back to your client unless they have given you implicit authorization to go ahead with this deal. Even then, I would urge you to consult with your client (because we all now how unreasonable clients can be, right?). Better safe than sorry.

9) Don't assume. Yes, I am a woman. No, I do not have testicles. But I do have the capabilities to cut your testicles off and put them in my purse. Don't assume things about me, about the case, or about anything, really. It makes an ASS out of U (and as for ME, I will not be happy).

10) I scratch your back, you scratch mine. We don't have to be at each others' throats. It's okay to participate in some information sharing. Discuss client's interests. The rest will follow.

If all else fails, read "Getting to Yes." Breaking one or two of these rules is sometimes allowable (although I don't encourage it because if you do it to me, I will want to snap your neck). I will caution you that breaking these rules often will lead to a bad reputation and the possibility of being pushed in front of a bus. Negotiations are tricky business, and while the client's best interests reign supreme, you don't have to use assholish tactics to accomplish these ends.

If you are up against the rulebreaker, do us all a favor. Push them out the window.