Jumat, 21 Oktober 2011

Case theories (aka: don't go chasing waterfalls)

I've read on a very good blawg (I forget the link, but I'll find it and post it eventually) that lawyers should write down phrases, words, and themes that they can use for future cases. Apparently, that stroke of genius may never hit you again, and you never know when you're going to need a good theme. I've decided to put a couple of the obvious standards down, but I'd love some help adding to the list. ;)

1) Bitch set me up. (Alternatively called the "Marion Barry") This is a great theme, and a succinct one at that. Rather than perpetuating the same old SODDI defense time after time, how about we surprise the court and the jurors by taking something out of a shitty Nicolas Cage movie? I advise telling your client that this is the exact theme of your case, as he may jump up sometime during court and shout this (or, even better, scream it at FBI agents of his own accord).

2) He had it coming. Really, who couldn't use a little bit more of the Cellblock Tango in their life? This is a good one to keep in mind during voir dire, because, honestly, who hasn't wanted to blow their husband's head off for his little idiosyncrasies that he purposefully perpetuates? (In this case, I'd probably have the client sing the ditty on the stand, then submit her crazy defense.) Which brings me to:


3) He's coo-coo for CoCoa puffs.... The old crazy standard always has to be on your list. And ever so often, they might actually be crazy. For the record, though, being out-of-your-mind drunk DOES NOT count as a defense. You may argue it, but I don't suggest it.

AND A FEW OF MY OWN:

4) Life is a box of chocolates (At least, that's what my mama always told me)--this is helpful during civil cases where someone is arguing (somewhat ridiculously) that something didn't turn out "fair." As an old and wise professor once quoted to our class (his previous and presumably dead and wise professor): "FAIR? You know what fair is here in {insert location}? It comes around twice a year." (And might I recommend some cotton candy....or chocolates?)


5) With great power comes great responsibility (especially when you're highly attractive and your apartment smells of rich mahogany)-- great for indicting doctors, fellow lawyers, congressman, particularly attractive people, and bodyguards at your town's local bar.

Any case themes I should add to my repertoire?

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